Articles posted by Sydney Barbara Metrick

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Just the Right Time

Posted by Sydney Barbara Metrick
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Photography by Cameron Ingalls – see more at www.cameroningalls.com

Last weekend I attended a wedding as a guest. This is something I do maybe once every ten years, so I was quite surprised by the ceremony. I arrived at 5:45 p.m. for a 6 p.m. ceremony, with drinks and hors d’oeuvre around 7 then dinner maybe half an hour later. But, as the ceremony rounded the forty minute mark, I found myself wishing for an energy bar. Twenty minutes after that, the couple was, at last…married. The ceremony was an hour long!

In my experience, a ceremony is generally between fifteen and twenty five minutes. In most cases, that includes the processional and recessional. I have found this to be a good time frame for three main reasons.

  • The Wedding Party – Standing without fidgeting for fifteen minutes is doable. Standing for an hour may be physically stressful.
  • Creating a Long Ceremony – It is a lot of work! To have a successful long ceremony, prepare a series of performances that might include song and small ritual acts like candle lighting or hand washing, perhaps prose or poetry readings. And of coures, you’d want an officiant who is a compelling speaker.
  • The Guests – They may or may not be prepared to sit through an hour-long ceremony, particularly if any have come with children.

    As with so many things in life, when it comes to a wedding ceremony, sometimes less is more.

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    Sealed with Love

    Posted by Sydney Barbara Metrick
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    Photography by Anna Kuperberg – see more at www.kuperberg.com

    The most touching moment of most wedding ceremonies is the exchange of vows and rings. Some couples spend weeks writing vows that reflect how meaningful the relationship is to them. The personalized vows may be any length and include heartfelt pledges for the future. Other couples repeat a series of well-crafted promises meant to ensure a long and happy life together. Less outgoing couples may simply reply in the affirmative to a “do you promise to…” type of question.

    These promises, often lovely and moving, may not stand the test of time. Of course there is no guarantee that you will recall your vows five or ten years after the wedding. It’s even less likely that you will always be able to keep them. But using a Ketubah, or a variation of the idea, can keep your vows alive and serve as a beautiful reminder of what the two of you had envisioned for your marriage.

    A Ketubah is a Jewish marriage contract with a long history. Originally, the Ketubah served as a prenuptial agreement designed to protect the bride. Today’s Ketubahs are likely to be beautiful pieces of artwork to grace your home as well as present your vows. When you go to a Ketubah website you’ll find many examples of images and text. Here’s an idea to get you started:

    “On the 16th day of September in the year 2007, in San Francisco, California, the sacred covenant of marriage was entered into between Mark Lewis and Barbara McCall in the presence of loving family and friends.

    As beloveds and friends we promise to love, honor, cherish and support each other. May we be ever open and honest with one another, slow to anger and quick to forgive, and always sensitive to the other’s feelings and needs. May we seek to understand each other, always treating each other with respect and kindness. May we remain committed to our own and each other’s emotional and spiritual growth. May we always encourage and challenge one another to become the persons we are yet to be.

    Together we will create a warm and loving home filled with trust, generosity and reverence for all life; a place of passion and compassion and an abundance of creative expression.

    We promise to remain faithful to this covenant in spirit and in action, thorough harmony and discord, through abundance and scarcity, through health and through illness, and through both joys and sorrows. May we be ever mindful that our days together are a gift and ever grateful for each day we share with one another.

    We seal this document with love.”

    This couple not only hung their framed Ketubah in an honored place in their home, but each month, on the anniversary of their wedding, they read the vows again. What a beautiful way to commemorate such a vitally important day in your life together.

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    Double Happiness!

    Posted by Sydney Barbara Metrick
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    When Caroline called her best friend, Denise to invite her to be maid of honor at her wedding, she had no idea Denise would have a request of her own. Her boyfriend had just “popped the question” that day and she was considering what to do for her own wedding. Caroline and Denise had been talking about weddings for months and now they would both be planning weddings. Why not share the planning and share the wedding?

    Denise pointed out that they had the same group of friends (mostly), loved the same foods, music and most everything else. And, the fiancées knew and liked each other. With just the tiniest amount of coercing, Caroline was convinced. They had no trouble deciding on a date, a location, and all the vendors, but when it came time to plan the ceremony, they were suddenly at a loss.

    They decided to forgo attendants. Each couple would enter together from opposite sides of the room. They’d each stand to one side of the officiant (me). I did a fairly standard ceremony with just a few additions. One was to talk about Caroline and Denise’s friendship and the importance to them of the double ceremony. Both couples had shared what marriage meant to them, and I included their words as part of the ceremony. And finally, we had two sets of vows to top off the ceremony.

    It was a lovely and unique event to witness.

    I can’t wait to hear about the anniversaries!

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    Sharing The Love

    Posted by Sydney Barbara Metrick
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    Photography by Anna Kuperberg – see more at www.annakuperberg.com

    I love small weddings. An intimate ceremony of forty or fewer affords possibilities that just can’t happen in a large gathering. When you have a small wedding your guests can be more than an audience–they can be a part of the celebration. The small acts done in the course of the ceremony are typically designed to give thanks or receive blessings and are much more meaningful in a more intimate group.

    One way to give thanks is with sharing something meaningful. You can share symbolic food items like heart-shaped strawberries, braided bread, something with a familial or cultural significance. Some couples choose to share wine or tea with guests. Small tokens of esteem or flowers are nice to hand out to each guest as a way to make a personal connection.

    You can receive blessings by inviting everyone to speak or write a wish on a card which can be hung on an archway, placed in a box or book. Friends and family can take turns reading stanzas of a poem, lighting candles on a cake that all will share, making blessings over wine; the possibilities are endless.

    I’ve done weddings in which the guests had copies of a poem written especially for the ceremony. I read the poem and the group read the chorus. In another ceremony, a small group of friends used flower petals to encircle the couple, spiraling the petals out into a larger circle in which the group stood.

    The best thing about a small ceremony is the stress level is much lower. You can actually enjoy the occasion. And its meaning is much deeper when it’s shared with just a small gathering of close family members and friends.

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    The Promise of Love

    Posted by Sydney Barbara Metrick
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    Long−term committed relationships are as common for gay and lesbian couples as they are for heterosexual couples. Over the years, I’ve performed a number of commitment ceremonies for same−sex couples. With the legalization of same−sex marriages in California, this is a new era for homosexual couples. After a long wait, they finally have the chance to plan their wedding. What an exciting time!

    In designing the ceremony, some couples will want to follow fairly traditional lines, and others will want to include very personal statements, involving friends and family. Anything that makes the ceremony meaningful is appropriate. A ceremony is to acknowledge that two people have found each other, fallen in love, and have decided that they want to spend the rest of their lives together. It’s a public declaration of a personal commitment and a joining of families, not to mention community.

    A poem by Dorothy Colgan entitled,”My Promise of Love” sums up what is most important for any couple, regardless of sexual orientation:

    “I promise to give you the best of myself and to ask of you no more than you can give.

    I promise to accept you the way you are. I fell in love with you for the qualities, abilities and outlook on life that you have, and I won’t try to change you into a different image.

    I promise to respect you as a person with your own interests, desires, and needs, and to realize that those are sometimes different−but no less important than my own.

    I promise to share with you my time, my close attention, and to bring joy, strength and imagination into our relationship.

    I promise to keep myself open to you, to let you see through the window of my personal world into my innermost fears and feelings, secrets and dreams.

    I promise to grow along with you, to be willing to face change as we both change, in order to keep our relationship alive and exciting.

    And finally, I promise to love you in good times and in bad, with all I have to give and all I feel inside, in the only way I know how. Completely and forever.”

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    With Us In Spirit

    Posted by Sydney Barbara Metrick

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    A wedding is a joyful event that celebrates the union of two people who have found in each other a lifelong love. The ceremony symbolically affirms, and also legalizes the bond they share. And the party that follows is a salute to love, friendship and family.

    However, a couple I’m currently working with reminded me that the joy of the day may sometimes be tempered. When either the bride or the groom has lost a parent, sibling or other loved one, there is often a hole in the fabric of the ceremony.

    Many brides and grooms choose to walk down the aisle escorted by one or both parents. Traditionally, the bride is accompanied by her father who then “gives” her to the groom. A bride who loved her dad cannot help but wish he could be there to play a part in this rite.While a loved one cannot always be there in person, it is possible to honor them in spirit. Some couples do this with a candle ceremony, some with words. Here are two examples for you to consider:

    “Welcome. Thank you for being here today. Jason and Camille are thrilled that you could be here to share their most special day with them. They would also like to acknowledge those who could not be here but would have loved to share in this occasion, particularly Camille’s mother, Sarah.”

    “Welcome everyone. We appreciate that you’ve come from near and far to join us for this joyful ceremony. Marianne and David, you wish to remember both family and friends who cannot be with us in person today, and loved ones who have passed away. You hold their memories close to your hearts today and always. The bouquet of flowers on the altar is composed of one flower symbolizing each of these cherished people.”

    Whether you use words, candles, flowers or moment of silence, the moment of remembrance is what affirms the connection. On a day when two hearts join, it can be important to make sure both hearts are focused on love.

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    Merging Two Lives Into One

    Posted by Sydney Barbara Metrick
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    When Ms. Shannon Brooks and Mr. Luke Johnson decide to marry they cause a shift that reverberates through both of their families. Up until the day of the wedding Shannon was recognized as “Shannon Brooks,” a member of the Brooks family. She spent years absorbing the beliefs, customs and habits of her family (as well as resisting and rejecting some). The same story is true for Luke and his family identity.

    When the two come together on the day of the wedding they are, in effect, making a separation from their families of origin and forming a new family identity. So the Brooks-Johnsons will be a bit of a mixture of both families and more. Much of the “more” will come from finding middle ground when differences arise and developing new interests, habits and customs together. Perhaps the Johnsons always had family dinners. Maybe the Brooks family pursued independence in meals. How will the new couple decide what fits for them? And holidays present interesting challenges. Where will they be spent–at his parent’s home or hers? Will they celebrate holidays with friends instead or possibly not celebrate at all?

    Whatever the newlyweds decide will be new for them and will also impact their families and friends.Of course, these issues will be no more obvious than in the ceremony itself. Many couples have decided to water down their ceremonies for fear of offending some family members with words or actions that contradict or challenge the family beliefs.

    Photo Credit: Click Photography

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    Long Distance Wedding Planning

    Posted by Sydney Barbara Metrick

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    I am no longer amazed when I’m called to plan a wedding for two people who live on different sides of the country, or even in different countries for that matter. Whether the separation is due to work, school, or military obligations a surprising number of couples live apart before and even after marrying. Maintaining a long distance relationship requires a good deal of flexibility.

    I’d venture to say that those who are successful are people who are fairly independent and confident in themselves and in their partner. Generally they make frequent trips that enable them to spend time together, and more frequent phone calls.

    When it comes to planning the wedding having both members of a couple is preferred although not actually necessary. I schedule two meetings for planning a ceremony. In these meetings, I work with each couple to create and choreograph the ceremony ritual. One benefit to having both parties present is so the couple can discuss important details. And, I like to see how couples interact with each other. It gives me a better sense of what type of ceremony might fit for them. But with the options of conference calls, email, scanners, and other electronic opportunities it’s possible to exchange important information instantly, even from a distance.

    Whether you and your fiance are together or apart during wedding planning, I recommend setting aside time for personal reflection. Getting married is a big deal. Spending time alone to think about what you want in your wedding is an important thing to do. When you come to a place of clarity, share your thoughts and feelings and with your partner. Solitude and reflection can be very useful for creating a successful partnership–no matter how close or far away they may be.

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    Choosing the Right Officiant for You

    Posted by Sydney Barbara Metrick

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    Photography by Cameron Ingalls – see more at www.cameroningalls.com

    Occasionally a couple looking to interview me for the role of officiant will express their fears about choosing the wrong person to do the job. The concerns are typically based on a previous wedding one of them had or an experience shared by a friend. These stories usually involve an officiant who imposed their own beliefs and said things during the ceremony that were unexpected and unwelcome.

    Anything unexpectedly said or done by the officiant can create a real problem. As I see it, the job of the officiant is not only to make sure you have a ceremony you feel great about, but also to facilitate the ceremony so it is enjoyably memorable for all involved. This may entail being quick enough to avoid or transform problem situations; certainly not to cause them.

    Your ceremony is a realization of your dreams and visions. If you are fuzzy about what you want your ceremony to look like, a good officiant will help you to clarify what you want, give you examples of what different ideas would be like, and work with you to make sure you end up with something you love. They will not try to impose what they think you should like.

    I recommend finding someone who interviews each couple first to learn who they are as individuals and as a couple, why they are getting married, and what is important for them to include in their ceremony. You want someone who can listen and respect your wishes while offering suggestions and ideas. Expect to go over specific wording and actions as well as the overall flow of the ceremony. In addition to the ceremony itself, I generally work with the couple to choreograph the processional and recessional. This way, there is not much room for the unexpected.

    A good officiant is one you feel comfortable with and that you trust will help you have the wedding of your dreams.

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    Celebrations and Memories

    Posted by Sydney Barbara Metrick
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    When wedding photographer, Ken Mendoza of Duende Photo was hired to shoot an engagement party, little did he know that his photographs would play a major role in the wedding ceremony of the same couple a year later.

    Dina and Mark had been together for several years when, in 2006, they decided to marry. Both were finishing graduate school and wanted to plan the wedding for after graduation. But they had one big concern. Mark’s grandparents, the people who raised him, were in their late 80′s and in fragile health. It was doubtful that they’d be around for the wedding in another two years.

    So Dina and Mark came up with a solution. They threw a fantastic engagement party, invited family and all their closest friends, and a photographer. The party gathered around a lavish family style meal. Everyone told stories and shared memories, while Ken stealthily took candid photos.

    Two years later, Mark’s grandparents were not there for the wedding, but their presence was. Ken had bound the photos from the engagement party into a large book, and he framed two beautiful shots of Dina and Mark talking and laughing with Mark’s grandparents. These were placed on the altar. At the beginning of the wedding ceremony, I welcomed the guests and spoke about the importance of family and friends. Then Mark talked about his grandparents. He invited everyone to spend a few moments with the engagement book later and, if so moved, to enter their thoughts and memories on the blank pages. The book would become part of a ritual that is used to celebrate each anniversary and to relive the happy memories of the past.

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    Welcome, Bienvenido, Villkommen, Mile Widziany

    Posted by Sydney Barbara Metrick
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    Photography by Milton Gil Photographers – see more at www.miltongil.com

    As I pointed out previously, a wedding is a ‘rite of passage.’ Your ceremony and celebration make a statement to your community of friends and family that you now have a different identity. You invite friends and family to witness and celebrate this transition with you. Whether your guests include neighbors, co-workers, people from your past, distant relatives or those closest to your heart, you think of these people as your community. You’ve identified them as the most important people to be present for one of the most important passages in your life.

    You have an opportunity to include your community in your ceremony, to make them an integral part of the day. I’ve often performed weddings for couples who had guests who did not speak English. While this may seem like an issue, it can be a good occasion to incorporate the importance of their presence into the ceremony. While I am not multi-lingual, I can usually manage a welcome in other languages. If you’d like your officiant to take on another language for the welcome or any other part of the ceremony, it might be a good idea to provide a phonetic “cheat sheet.” Incorporating the language of some of your guests into your ceremony makes them feel more welcome and honored as guests.

    Couples often provide programs for their guests outlining the events of the day. The program is another way to make sure the non-English speaking guests feel included. This is particularly valuable when parents or grandparents do not speak English. Having a copy of the ceremony printed in their own language helps them to feel valued and more involved in the ceremony.

    While you are, in a sense, making a separation from your families of origin, you still will retain these special relationships. This is one way to honor and respect them.

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    Options For Choosing an Officiant

    Posted by Sydney Barbara Metrick
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    If you choose not to be married by a priest, a rabbi, or a minister of any religious or spiritual affiliation, you still have many options for choosing an officiant. In my state (California), for example, couples can be married by the following:

    • A judge, commissioner of civil marriages, commissioner or assistant commissioner of a court of record.
    • A judge or magistrate who has resigned from office.
    • A justice of the United States Supreme Court.
    • A judge of the court of appeals, a district court, or a court created by an act of Congress.
    • A judge of a bankruptcy court or a tax court.
    • A United States magistrate.
    • A legislator or constitutional officer or a member of Congress who represents a district within this state.
    • A person who has been ordained as a minister through a mail order process

    The work of the officiant is two-fold: legal and ceremonial. Legally, the verbal intent of marriage must be witnessed by the officiant and a witness. Then both the witness and the officiant sign the license to finalize your commitment. In California this license is to be returned to the county clerk before the ceremony is performed.

    The amount your officiant helps to coordinate your ceremony is up to you. Typically officiants offer services that range from pre-marital counseling to picking ceremony readings to assisting with the music selection. Coordinating the processional and recessional can be a part of that duty as well. Be sure to choose an officiant who is aligned with your own values.

    Any great officiant will be well spoken and have the flair to make your ceremony a positive and memorable experience for everyone. Most importantly, your officiant should help you feel prepared and relaxed for your big day!

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    How to Handle Wedding Bloopers

    Posted by Sydney Barbara Metrick
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    Over the years, I’ve seen many wedding bloopers and mishaps. Some have been little disasters, some amusing additions that become fond memories. In my experience the most common bloopers are due to the inclusion of young children in the wedding party. Toddlers are always adorable dressed up in the approximation of adult attire, yet being cute is only a part of the job. The little ones can’t always pull off the task they were assigned. One boy, charged with bringing the rings up to the altar for the vow and ring exchange, realized at the last minute he was terrified of making the journey down the aisle. As his father stepped from the attendant line to take his hand, the boy began screaming. What followed was what I think of as “the dragging of the ring bearer.” Not a pretty sight.

    On a more amusing note, two sisters, one five and one three, had the task of tossing flower petals onto the runway. They did a great job with it, but mid-ceremony I noticed a tittering in the audience. Looking around the bride and groom I saw the three year old picking up the flower petals and putting them back into her basket. Mommy’s daily pick up after yourself messages had obviously sunk in.

    Hot days and outdoor weddings can also be a combination producing the unexpected. I’ll never forget the four layer wedding cake that began to melt; the layers slipping slowly towards the table. Then there was the ceremony that took place on a day that must have been 95 degrees. During the wine ceremony the bride chugged that glass of wine as if it were a pitcher of ice water.

    Another area for the possibility of a fiasco is the processional. In one wedding a late-arriving couple inadvertently became part of the processional. And I’ve seen more than one occasion where the bride waited so long to enter that guests wondered if they were involved in a runaway bride event.

    These are all true stories! Make sure to attend to the planning details so your wedding will run smoothly, or at least have the attitude to laugh if you find yourself having a “wedding bloopers” moment.

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