Wedding Blog

If your future in-laws are behaving themselves nicely during your wedding preparations and getting along swimmingly with each other, your parents, and even the two of you, then I salute you with a round of golf claps and advise you that this article is intended for the much less fortunate majority of brides (and grooms) to be. In most cases, the Mother-out-Law is the most serious offender (you know, if you have read previous articles of mine, that my MoL should have her number retired in this department), but there are definitely difficult siblings, fathers and stepparents to contend with as well. If you who are about to become related to somebody in need of some serious behavior modification during this stressful time, here are my words of wisdom: Your out-laws don't really care if they're being difficult during wedding preparations, and they have no intention of curbing their conduct no matter what you say or do. There. Don't you feel better? The best that I can do is to offer some insight into some possible reasons WHY they are behaving as if you're ruining their very special upcoming event by stubbornly insisting on being involved.

• Reason #1: They aren't really listening to you
  So you've told your Mother-out-Law ten times that you don't plan to have all twelve of your fiance's nieces serve as flower girls, yet somehow she still bought them all matching little white dresses? How thoughtful. It's this caliber of listening skills that keeps the family bond strong like a noose. My 'Why did you even ask?' story goes like this: Before our wedding, my MoL asked me if we would like to have a themed rehearsal dinner. I was pleasantly surprised to have my wishes considered here, since this is usually the domain of the groom's family. My fiancé and I replied that we would rather not. Instead, we wanted a traditional party without costumes. Imagine my surprise when I received my invitation to our "Hoe-Down Rehearsal Dinner Party", which encouraged all guests to dress like cowboys and cowgirls. Presumably she chose this theme because the wedding was taking place in Montana, where much of my family comes from. The result was that the groom's family (Urban, Jewish New Yorkers) came to the event dressed like a bunch of extras from a John Wayne movie set, which provided a nice parody of the bride's family (Montanans and other Midwesterners) who actually left their horses and buggies at home and dressed in civilian attire that one might wear for a special occasion such as a rehearsal dinner.
• Reason #2: They're not really listening to each other
  This is often the case in modern families, with divorced parents, new spouses and other strained ties to contend with. It can be difficult to bring people together who have a history of difficult relations, and expect them to plan something together smoothly.
• Reason #3: You're not expressing your wishes clearly
  It can be difficult to tell if they're really not listening to you, or if you simply need to speak up a little bit. Perhaps if I had clarified my response to the rehearsal dinner question by explaining that since we don't normally wear chaps and spurs when we go out for an evening (We save them for when we stay in, wink wink - just kidding! Spurs are pointy.), I would consider this a costume or a "theme", and therefore would prefer if they were not required attire for the party.
• Reason #4: Fundamental differences in perspective exist between you
  For many couples, religion is high on this list. Having dealt with this personally, all I can say here is that nobody is going to change their opinions or their beliefs this late in the game, so make sure you and your fiancé are sticking to the wedding day plan that feels most comfortable for you.
• Reason #5: You're not quite what they had in mind
  I saved this doozy for last because it's a tough P.I.L.L. (acronym explained below) to swallow, but I'm afraid it's true. In the case of some difficult Parents-in-Law (P.I.L.L.s - extra 'L' for no good reason), even if you have a Ph.D. from Harvard, discovered a cure for childhood cancer, spend your spare time performing organ transplants on neglected puppies and look forward to producing oodles of brilliant grandchildren, you just don't QUITE fit the bill. The truth here is that nobody ever could, so you might as well take solace in the fact that YOU know that not only are you good enough, he's (or she is, if you're the groom) darn lucky to have snagged you in the first place. Even though my Mother-out-Law might have preferred a Jewish doctor (or a Jewish lawyer, cashier or roadie) for her son, I am happy with my identity, my great marriage and the advances that I have made in the medical field of home hangover remedies.

So there you have a list of problem sources, but no solutions in sight. This might leave you saying, "Ummm…thanks for NOTHING, Melissa" - but wait! Happily, I can give you a blanket solution (or at least temporary band-aid) that covers all out-law wedding planning issues that you are apt to come across: Whatever you decide to do about the out-laws, recognize that just because it's your fiance's family, it's not his fault - and hope that he understands the same in reverse. Make sure the two of you remain united in your efforts to make the day exactly what YOU want it to be, because this is the relationship that matters most.