Planning a wedding is a lot of work, but after you say, “I do,” that’s when the real work begins.
It’s true that it can be easy to hurt the ones we love the most, which makes marriage a vulnerable environment for hurt feelings and the like. Anticipating that at some point (probably very early in your marriage) your spouse will say or do something hurtful will help you to resolve conflicts in the future.
The second piece of advice my wife and I learned from an older couple is the classic adage: never go to bed angry. Since we are in our first year of marriage, any chance we get, we ask married couples for their words of marital advice. This couple explained to us that they have been practicing this policy since they got married 7 years ago and that it has been enormously fruitful for their peace and harmony together.
Here’s the drill: Before going to bed ask your spouse, “How have I hurt or offended you today?” Then wait for their answer and listen without saying anything back. Truly listen. Don’t speak or retaliate. Try not to make excuses or shift the blame for your actions. Let down any defenses you may naturally have and prepare to be served your fair portion of humble pie. Try for a moment to see things from your spouse’s eyes and sincerely apologize. Apologize for anything you did or didn’t do which caused your spouse to feel hurt. Then ask, “How have I blessed you today?” Hopefully there will be a list of actions of love and kindness, which you have showered upon your spouse that same day. This is a great opportunity to build back esteem after hearing the first part of this exercise.
Since receiving this advice, my wife and I have been putting it into practice each night. What has resulted is an opportunity to share the areas of hurt that otherwise would be swept under the rug for a potential future blowout. We are communicating the big stuff as well as the little stuff right away and we are forgiving each other every night. We are learning what works and what doesn’t within our relationship. And we wake up the next day with a fresh start and more tools and wisdom to grow into better friends and lovers.
Everyday we need to be forgiven and to forgive each other or else we may build a laundry list of offenses that can lead to bitterness, resentment, and ultimately divorce. If you plan on investing even half as much into your marriage as you do your wedding, I suggest you make this an evening ritual before you and your spouse go to bed. You have nothing to lose but a little pride and a lot of hurt.
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