There was a time when getting married was no more than a financial or familial arrangement. This style of marriage arrangement is still practiced today in many countries around the world. The courting gentlemen would present the woman’s father with money and/or dowry to prove his ability to care for her welfare. A bargain would be made without the bride’s consent, a business deal of the heart. It’s amazing to think the gesture of formally asking a woman’s father for her hand in marriage derived from this romance-deprived age old custom.
Although “asking her father’s permission” originated from a financial arrangement of sorts, the significance of this gesture was simply for a father to know his daughter would be well provided for in her married life. The difference between now and then is wealth or “being able to provide” was the ‘winning’ characteristic at one point in time as oppose to the woman’s happiness.
Now do men still ask permission today? Does it still apply within our time and culture or is the idea entirely extinct? Some women find it offensive following this old tradition, as it suggests being treated like a piece of property. Other women find it romantic and an act of respect and will not consent to marry unless their father is asked.
If you are contemplating whether or not to ask your fiancée’s father for her hand in marriage, consider a few things before you make a decision. Is your girlfriend’s father old-fashioned? What kind of relationship do they have? What kind of relationship do you have with him? And if he says no, would you obey his wishes? Are you seeking his “permission” or his blessing over your marriage? You should also consider how your fiancée will view your actions. If your future wife considers herself to be a more modern, feminist woman, she may not appreciate you asking her father before you actually ask her to marry you.
If you do decide to go with the tradition, meeting face to face is imperative. Often distance can be an issue. In that case, send a formal written letter, then follow-up with a phone call. That’s if he doesn’t call you first!
Another way to go about this is to sincerely tell him of your plans to propose to her. That way, you’re not exactly asking for permission, but you’re not blindsiding him either.
Whichever way you choose to approach this situation, respect what would be truly important to your girlfriend. Remember, you may be proposing to her, but you are marrying into her family. Maybe buying Dad a new set of golf clubs wouldn’t be such a bad idea after all!
Good luck!
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